Question From A Reader:
been married 9 years and I can say I’ve been reasonably happy until
recently. For the last few years things have changed. I have never had
more pressure at home with our 3 growing children and every time I
want to share my problems with him, it seems he just doesn’t
understand. Even before I can begin he starts with his own ideas of
what I should do. The more I try to share, the more he tries to shut
me up and get back to his tv. I feel tired, frustrated and lonely.
What is the point of being with a man who is never there to support? I
don’t have money problems and I don’t need to depend on him for
financial reasons only. Physical intimacy has long stopped. Neither of
us are interested any longer.
my last stop before I seriously consider getting out of this
writing this with consent from my husband, who is also a big fan of
yours, so if you reply he will read this too. We have already bought
the 5 essential mindsets program from you but we have not started
listening to it. Having 3 kids makes it real hard to sit together and
learn. We are hoping to go through it over the weekend and send the
kids to their grandma.
you for your time Shafin. We have both learned a lot over the years
from you. I hope you are able to help us out this time too.
off, allow me to congratulate you for reaching out and asking for
help. Believe it or not, this sort of situations can reversed so fast
that it’s not even funny. As unique as your situation is, this is
common problem faced by couples around the world in varying degrees of
complication. I have personally worked with more than 10 families who
have not only solved this same situation that bothered them, but also
renewed their relationship to a level unimaginable before. Truly all
the problems in our life have one purpose only: to help us grow to the
am about to tell you will get a little bit technical but please pay
attention because understanding this will improve your communication
skills not only with your husband or wife, but with the opposite sex
in general. Understanding and following what I am about to tell you
can help you avoid countless arguments and needless trauma. This is
not your usual relationship advice, so please
go through this slowly and patiently.
humans have two different emotional systems. One is called the Mirror
Neuron System, the other Temporal-Parietal Junction system.
TPJ for short. Both these emotional systems work in conjunction in
our brain but males seem to use TPJ more and women seem to use MNS
understand how these two work by taking a hypothetical ride in both
your brains when you are trying to share your problems with your
husband and he “apparently” is not listening.
this… he comes back home from work, tired and waiting to relax. You
are waiting back home, tired, feeling overwhelmed, waiting for him to
get back from work so you can share with him what’s bothering you.
begin to talk about your problems of the day, about kids, about all
the work that needs to be done, the first emotional system that
activates in him is the Mirror Neuron System (MNS). MNS allows a
person to feel empathy (it allows him to feel your pain). So far so
was a woman, he would primarily stay in the MNS and empathize with you
and listen to you and talk about the emotional colors of the
He’d take your side and let you vent out all that’s on your
mind without judgment or criticism allowing you to feel loved and
He’d tell you he loves you and that he will always be there
for you. He’d ask you if there is anything he can do to help and maybe
even connect to you on a bodily level giving you a gentle massage or
just hold you tight while you let it all out.
In a perfect world, he
would even do all of this even if you were complaining about him!
He’d understand that your complains are just part of your venting out
system. Its healthy, its healing, its good.
is not a woman!
And that’s why you married him in the first place.
He’s got his flaws but he can learn. And it’s pretty easy to do when
you know what to do.
happens in reality is that right after you begin to pour out all your
stress and troubles, he begins to FEEL your PAIN with his MNS. First
off, this is NOT what he wants to FEEL right when he walks through the
door at the end of a work day. He wants to feel relaxed.
even if didn’t mind feeling your pain, even if it was in the middle of
a vacation on the beach, even if he was lying with you in bed fully
satisfied, even then his hormonal system is hardwired to switch
over to the Temporal-Parietal Junction system and primarily operate
allows a man to detach from the situation and find solutions
analytically and cognitively. It allows him to not get affected by the
emotions of other people and it allows him to be objective. This is
called “cognitive empathy” - the man is empathizing with you on the
problem, not on the emotional qualities of it.
Unfortunately, when you share a problem, and he goes into the TPJ
searching his entire brain for solutions, while you remain in the MNS,
feeling his emotions too (MNS mirrors emotions of the other person by
reading facial expression, body language, tonality etc), all YOU end
up FEELING is detachment and his lack of presence.
Here is where it goes wrong: he is trying to help you by detaching
from the situation and offering solutions, you are feeling his
detachment and mistaking it for his lack of interest.
He is interested, just on a different level.
this always, men are Solvers. Men take pride in solving problems and
if someone shares a problem with us, we do our best offering them a
solution. (I go into much greater detail on this issue in my latest
home study course
Essential Mindsets Of Magnetically Attractive Men” including
how to turn your relationship around even if you are on the brink of a
divorce. If you already bought it, you’ll find more on this in the Q&A
most men don’t realize is that when a woman is sharing her problem,
she is NOT ALWAYS looking for a solution, most of the time she is
sharing it with her partner because that is what allows her to feel
relaxed, unburdened and supported.
a hard time understanding this because primarily they are solution
oriented. Women have hard time understanding why men begin to try to
“fix her” even before she fully expressed all her emotions. She feels
misunderstood, even insulted. Why is he trying to fix me? All I’m
trying to do is tell him how I feel. What is he trying to insinuate?
That something is wrong with me???
remember this: men are not designed to wallow in your anguish, sharing
the moment, deepening the bond. That is not how they operate in the
“big bad world”. The way they operate is by being logical,
analytical, goal oriented and solution focused. On the other hand,
women do not share problems ONLY when they need a solution to it, they
don’t even complain BECAUSE it’s HIS fault. Most of the time she just
NEEDS to SHARE.
is my advice for your husband (and all men): when she is talking about
problems, be it in about children, work, finances, even you… let her
talk and get it out. Don’t defend yourself, don’t immediately try to
find solutions at the back of your head (as hard is it may be to
avoid), don’t assume she is blaming you. 9 times out of 10, she just
needs to share.
say it one more time? 9 times out of 10, she just needs to share and
she is NOT looking for a brilliant solution from you and offering that
solution will NOT be appreciated, in fact, it will completely backfire
on your face.
is talking, LISTEN and empathize. If you wish to talk, REFLECT what
she is feeling. Try to feel her pain and that’s it.
think, don’t analyze, don’t theorize, don’t offer her your
autobiographical account of how this one time you had a similar
problem in office and how brilliantly you solved it. NOT relevant!
Simply listen and empathize. That’s it. (And keep reminding yourself
over and over… This is not about me! She is not blaming me! She is not
asking me to offer her my brilliant “fix it” ideas! )
is my advice to you (and all women): remember your husband is designed
to be analytical, solution oriented and logical. He is a man. That is
why you married him. When he begins to show that blank face when you
are crying, it’s not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he is
fervently looking for solutions in his head that will solve your
problem. That is his way of showing love and support. I know it
would be lovely if he could just shut up, hug you and sit with you
patiently while you let it all out, but honey, he is a man! As hard as
it is to believe it right now, that is exactly why you fell in love
with him and married him!
news is, with training and proper understanding he too can learn to
stay in his MNS and empathize rather than get all analytical and cold.
He is perfectly able to sit down and listen to you, supporting you,
loving you, helping you when you need it and keep his mouth shut when
you just need a shoulder to cry on. He is able to do all of that, he
just needs to know how.
other hand, you can also learn that not all times are good times to
make him FEEL the emotional pain you are going through. If you try to
share all your problems right when he walks through the door, he will
instinctively try to solve your problem so he can just sit down and
relax. He will do it not because he does not care, but because he
does. That is how he shows his love.
end, remember this: our intimate relationships are our greatest
teachers. They teach us to become whole. They help us integrate within
our personality the complimentary opposite qualities. Men and women
truly are two halves of the same Unity in this great dance of the
opposites. The more you study, the more you observe, the more you
love… the more you become whole.
I hope I
could teach you some new things in this little article that has
already become a little too big. If you wish to learn more about love,
seduction and the psychology of attraction, I suggest you either go
through the free video course
The Psychology Of Attraction or invest
in the home study course
“5 Essential Mindsets Of Magnetically
always on the road to awakening,